Healing Together: The Benefits of Couples Therapy After Infidelity

R&B and Hip-Hop dominated the top of the Billboard charts throughout the 2000s. One song that stands out to me is "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy. My friends and I would often recite the phrase "It Wasn't Me" as an anthem, but as a teenager, I didn't fully comprehend the song's context and message. For those unfamiliar with the track, it revolves around infidelity. Essentially, a man caught in the act of cheating attempts to deny it by saying "It wasn't me" to his significant other. At the time, I didn't understand the full extent of the situation or the emotional distress it could cause the betrayed partner.

Having become aware as an adult how devastating the effects are on the betrayed partner, I have asked myself the question, whether and how couples repair their relationship.

DATA

According to a study on infidelity conducted by San Diego State University, 15 to 20 percent of individuals in the United States partake in sexual affairs, emotional attachment, cybersex, or other intimate behaviors outside of their committed relationships (Negash 143). Researchers have studied the effects on the betrayed partner after their discovery of the affair. The betrayed partner undergoes a range of emotions, also known as the five stages of grief: depression, anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance. Moreover, they often experience abandonment, rejection, low self-esteem, and sometimes even symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (Negash). In other words, infidelity can have severe emotional and psychological consequences for the faithful partner.

Researchers attribute this trauma to two main reasons,

Physiological trauma resulting from infidelity includes symptoms such as emotional numbness, emotional distance, and an increase in anxiety or hyper-vigilance (Negash 145). Betrayed partners may experience a heightened fight or flight response and relive the traumatic event through flashbacks (Negash 145). In other words, the betrayed partner remains on high alert to protect themselves from the trauma caused by infidelity.

Psychological trauma from infidelity includes symptoms such as a sense of letdown, disappointment, loss of faith, shattered illusions, and disenchantment (Negash 145). The betrayed partner may struggle with a newfound sense of reality about their relationship, leading to mistrust, a lack of hope, and a decrease in intimacy. To put it plainly, the betrayed partner will experience psychological discomfort that can increase feelings of doubt and guilt.

Unlocking Emotional Healing with EFT: A Guide to the Fundamental Steps

In light of numerous studies, researchers believe that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Can help couples overcome infidelity. With EFT, a therapist helps the couple identify their attachment needs and fears, express their emotions, and create new patterns of interaction that promotes emotional safety and security. The process can be outlined as follows

1. Assessment: The therapist assesses the couple's attachment history and patterns of interaction, including the impact of the infidelity on the relationship.

2. De-escalation: The therapist helps the couple identify and express their negative emotions and underlying attachment needs related to the infidelity. This involves exploring the impact of infidelity on each partner, their fears, and their hopes for the future.

3. Restructuring: The therapist helps the couple create new patterns of interaction that promote emotional safety and security. This involves identifying and changing negative interaction cycles and building positive interactions that promote emotional intimacy and connection.

4. Consolidation: The therapist helps the couple solidify their new patterns of interaction and maintain their emotional connection over time. This involves creating a plan for ongoing communication and support, and addressing any remaining issues related to the infidelity.

Final Thought

Throughout the treatment, the therapist focuses on creating a safe and supportive therapeutic environment, where both partners can express their emotions and needs without fear of judgment or rejection. The therapist also helps the couple build skills for effective communication, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution. In conclusion, infidelity can have a devastating impact on the betrayed partner, causing trauma, distress, and psychological discomfort. However, through the use of therapies such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, couples can work towards restoring their relationship and healing from the aftermath of infidelity. It is important for individuals to recognize the gravity of infidelity and seek support when needed to address the emotional and psychological effects it can have. By doing so, couples can move forward and create a stronger, healthier relationship.

Reference

Negash, Sesen, Stephen H. Carlson, and Jason N. Linder. "Emotionally Focused Therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: An Integrated Treatment to Heal the Trauma of Infidelity." Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice 7.3-4 (2018): 143-57. ProQuest. Web. 14 Feb. 2023.

Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds. Guilford Press.